Lord, All the Flies!
by Donna of the Grey
Summary: Species change, hair color changing savages, and heffers? What's going on here? A humor oneshot of the Lord of the Flies.


Hello there! In Reading Class, we've been reading Lord of the Flies, so I decided why not add some humorous touches to it! By the way, does heffers really mean cows? Because I read somewhere it did. And did you notice that Jack's hair changes colors? Also, my friend gave me the Shlama-Lama Ding Dong thing! I hope you enjoy.

It was a bright sunny day when a plane got shot by some army machine gun, and it fell on the island, stranding fifty kids. Now, they were all stupid, so instead of staying together and try to figure this out, they all got scattered away. All except Ralph, because he stayed there, and didn't notice anyone leave. He was running around and standing on his head, when a fat kid came into the clearing. "Wow!" exclaimed Ralph. "You're fat!"

"Yes I know--"

"I mean, really fat--"

"I know that too--"

"Like a whale!"

"Would you please?"

"You're so fat, I shall call you Piggy!" The fat kid stomped his foot angrily, "I will not be called Piggy! My real name is--" But the wind made noise, so Ralph couldn't hear. "Hey look! It's a conch!" Piggy pointed at the pool. Ralph went over and picked up the 'conch'. It wasn't a conch. It was a kazoo. Oh well.

"It's a kazoo." Ralph muttered.

"That's what I said! A conch!" Piggy retorted. "It's a damn kazoo!" Ralph shouted, wondering why there was a kazoo in the pool. "Blow it!" Piggy squealed like a . . . well, a Piggy. Ralph blew and blew and blew, and finally all the kids that ran away came into the clearing and Piggy began taking their names. Then . . . DUN DUN DUN! The choir boys appeared. "Let's vote for chief!" the red haired one, Jack shouted. "Okay." Ralph said. "Who's going to be chief?"

"You!" and so everybody voted for Ralph. "No! Vote for me!" Jack shrieked in a girly way. "Why?" asked Henry, one of the littluns. "Well . . . uh . . because my hair changes colors!" It was true. It would be red, then sandy. What next? Blue? Blonde?

Well, then the boys went to search the island and came back, all excited about it. "And this and that and . . . " they went. "We should kill pigs!" Jack exclaimed. "Huh? Do you even know if there's pigs? Huh? I think you don't because you haven't even checked." But that was not really true, because he had been searching for pigs like a dog, and when he found some pig poop, he sniffed it and growled, "My precious!" like that little freak from Lord of the Rings. Hmm. Interesting. I knew they were connected!

Then Jack and his hunters went hunting for a pig and when they found one they attacked it, and raped it, shouting, "We are into Bestialism!" They ran around holding the dead carcass. "I did! We did it! We did it, yeah!" they began dancing to Dora. "Shut up!" Ralph snapped. Jack cooked the meat in the fire and threw it at everyone. "I want some!" Piggy shouted. "You didn't hunt, because you are fat and stupid." Jack shouted back. "Neither did Ralph and Simon!" Piggy snapped, pointing his pudgy finger at the accused. "So? My hair changes colors." Jack reminded him and cut meat for the others.

Simon gave his meat to Piggy, because he was nice and because he didn't want Piggy to starve. When his Grandma forgot to feed the animals, Simon would go and feed the piggies and the the heffers. How he loved the heffers. They made milky milky milk and went "Moooo!" But now he missed the heffers, and he would sob softly at night, because he missed them so. "I hate you!" Jack shrieked in a womanly way and threw the piece of meat at Simon's head. Simon fell over and sat back up, and ate the meat.

They all ate, and it was gross just hearing them, because they hadn't eaten in days and they were starving like wild dogs. Simon was so grossed out he fainted, and then he began to dream about the heffers. Then, after some days, Samneric were watching the fire when they saw a beastie. They ran screaming like little girls, and they shrieked in fear and ran and ran and ran. "RALPH!" they shrieked. "RALPH!"

Our blonde hero woke up, pretty pissed. "What!" he screamed. "Can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"

"We saw--"

"The beastie--"

"It was humping--"

"A bird!"

"Okay . . . EW!" Ralph shrieked. "Mental picture!" So then, they woke up all the sissy hunters and told them that they saw the beast. The Hunters peed their pants, and Jack's hair changed color again. "Okay!" he shrieked. "Let's go!" And he took his spear and ran forth, with the strenght of a mighty bullet. "YAHHH!"

"Stop being stupid," Ralph snapped. They searched and finally they reached the Castle Rock. "This is a wizard fort!" Jack shouted. "Yep, useful for making your own tribe and trying to kill us." Ralph mumbled. "What?" Jack asked, not quiet catching it. "It's a foreshadowing, dammit!" the blonde hero snapped. "Oh . . . what was the foreshadowing?" Jack asked.

"Never mind." Ralph said. "Okay. The beastie isn't here. Let's go back and tell Piggy."

"Oh, Piggy! Kissy kissy!" Jack laughed. "Shut up." Ralph smacked him over the head, and Jack ran away crying, and his hunters followed. Then they found a pig, raped it, and killed it. Ralph went to go build huts with Simon, and the last one was falling, and then it fell on Simon, and he fainted. "Heffahs!" was the last thing he said. "Would you help me?" Ralph asked irritated at Jack. "Why?"

"We need Shelters!" Ralph shouted. "We need to hunt the beast!" Jack shouted back. "With what? A twig?" the blonde responded. "It's not a twig! And we will get help! From Raphael!" Jack sniffed. "He's not real." Ralph stated.

"Yes he is! Stop it!" Jack sniveled. "You'll insult him!"

"Where is he then?" Ralph asked, raising an eyebrow.

"He's invisible!" Jack shouted, then he lept at nothing, shouting, "I love you Raphael!"

Ralph stepped away then ran off. "And my hunters too!" added Jack. "With what?" shouted Ralph as he ran. "Sticks?" Jack glared at him and Piggy walked up to Ralph.

"OOoh! You insulted his hunters!" he squealed. "So?" Ralph asked.

Suddenly, they heard the kazoo being blown and they ran off to see what it was. "Ralph said you suck!" Jack shouted. "I did not!" Ralph shouted as he saw what was going on. "He thinks you're a bunch of homosexuals!" Jack added. "But we _are_." a hunter said. "Uh . . . uh . . . he said your manicures suck!" Jack fibbed. "What?" This sounded stupid, even to Ralph. How the hell could you get a manicure in an island?

"Who doesn't want Ralph as chief?" asked Jack. Nobody raised their hand, so Jack ran away crying like a little bitch. Later, Roger, and some other stupid kids left to go with Jack. Then they killed a pig, had fun with it, and cut the head off and put it on a stick. Simon, who had been in his special place because he was special, saw it.

"Come foward, young Simon." the head said. "Fear me!"

"You're a head on a stick."

"You knew I was inside you, didn't you?"

"Duh, I felt it." Simon shook his head.

"It was good. Now then, go back you batty freak."

"Huh?"

"Because if you don't, they'll do you, and by do you I mean kill you. No, wait, maybe the hunters will rape you because they're gay." With that, the Lord of the Flies laughed and Simon fainted.

Piggy and Ralph where at the beast with the gay tribe, and they had to keep moving away because they would come onto them. Jack started with a speech, and then he tripped and fell down, and everyone laughed. "Don't you have sense? We need rules!" Ralph shouted. "Bollocks to the rules! WE ARE CRAZY!" Jack shouted and then began to dance like a gorilla with a seizure.

Everyone began to do the same, and Ralph thought about calling an ambulance, but then he noticed they were on an island. They danced around the fire, and started screaming a chant. "_Kill the beast! Cut his throat! Spill his blood!_"

Who said the beast was a male? A girl could kick ass just the same, but since they had no idea whether the beast was a ghost, an ocean monster, a man on a parachute, or a snake, it sort of made sense. Sort of. Then Simon, who had woken up, and found the beastie, came out to inform them that it was a man. "THE BEAST!" Jack pointed at Simon, even though the fire clearly showed him.

They all lept at Simon, who began screaming, "RAPE! RAPE! HELP ME!" Then the hunters killed him with their pointy sticks. It began raining, and Simon's body slid down into the ocean, and the man on the parachute flew out, making everybody pee their pants and making them run out.

It was the next day, and it took an hour for Ralph to convince Piggy it was murder. "It was rape!" Piggy shouted. "Because the hunters are gay!" Samneric, came out and said, "We left the party early, what happened?"

"Uh . . . . Uh . . . . We left early." Ralph mumbled. "Oh." Then they went to eat fruit and later went to sleep. Then, Jack and his hunters came at night, to steal Piggy's glasses. They went, "Piggy, we want you Piggy!" And this scared the hell out of the boy, who shouted, "RAPE!" and had asthma. "Sucks to your ass-mar!"

Then everyone was fighting each other, and Eric hit Ralph in the balls by accident while Ralph beat his face up. Then Piggy began crying (Aw! Hug!) because the gay tribe people took his glasses.

Then the next day, Piggy decided to go smack some bitches up, so Samneric, Ralph, and he went to go to the tribe. "Give us the glasses back! We would have given you fire!" Ralph shouted. Jack came down and started to fight with Ralph, who kicked his scrawny ass good, and then Jack ran away crying and he backed up with the gay tribe and all of them made a wall as they held their spears.

Roger then threw a rock the size of a peanut at Piggy's head, and the boy died. Jack then poked Ralph with his spear and Ralph ran away crying, shouting, "I loveded you Piggy! I loveded you!" while they took Samneric as hostages, because they are two people.

Then, Jack and his gay tribe, called the Shlama-Llama Ding Dongs, because they thought it was cool, decided to go kill Ralph. They asked Samneric where he was, but they refused, so they threatened to let Roger rape them (because he was gay too) and they sang like birdies. The Shlama-Llama Ding Dongs went after Ralph, who was hiding in this good place, so that if they tried to crawl under, he could stab them in the back and kill them.

He hid in a hole and a savage found him and Ralph attacked him screaming, "Time to smack some bitches up!", before running out into a clearing. A man was there. "Having a war?" asked the man. "Yes. The Shlama-Lama Ding Dongs started it because they are gay." Ralph told him. "Okay? Any dead people?"

"Like three." Ralph mumbled. Suddenly a small kid came out and said, "I'm . . I'm Percival Banana Peepee Pants!" The man stared at him confused. "Wemys Madison." corrected Ralph. Percival began crying like a little girl and then so did Ralph. The other boys came out and cried too. "Who's the leader?" asked the man. "I am!" Ralph said loudly. "I am!" Jack shouted, "My hair changes colors!"

"That has nothing to do with chiefsmanship!" Ralph shouted back and went over to kick his ass, until the man stopped him. Then they cried like little girls, and had snot running down their nose. "Wait!" Jack shouted. "What?"

"HEFFERS!" somebody shouted. "What the hell was that?" Ralph went. "And more importantly, what's a heffer?" They all stared at the island terrified.

There it is! I hope you go the "Inside of you" part (hint hint) XD I know it's wrong but it's funny . . . anyways, blame my friend! She thought of it too! Toodles!


End file.
